Going Way Way Back Part 5

As my mother's dementia gets worse, I have realized the importance of keeping a record of our family history. My own memory may not do these treasured moments any justice if I don't put it down on paper. So here goes....

In the last article, I stopped at the point where we settled in Zamboanga where my dad was assigned. My older brother Arnold (nicknamed Boyet) and I were already in school at this point. We were, most likely, enrolled in a Catholic school since both my parents were deeply religious. I remember clearly that both my mom Helen and I as well as my older brother Boyet were fluent in Chabacano (a dialect spoken in Zamboanga; it is a dialect that is Spanish in its roots). We led a pretty normal and happy life in this place. One of my happiest memories of Zamboanga was the family trips to the Pasonanca treehouse which had a swimming pool at the bottom of the tree and it was filled with water coming down from the mountain or something to that effect. A few years here in Zamboanga and it was time to relocate again. This time the family went back to Cebu.

By the time we went back to Cebu, the family was now composed of 7 kids (Boyet, Girlie, Papot, Andy, Bembem, Beditte, Ike) and our parents. I guess at this point, my parents (Helen and Fil) were more stable financially and were able to buy a home. They owned a building which had 3 apartments and we stayed in 1 of them, while the other 2 were rented out. My mom remained a full time homemaker at this point. There was lot to do...manage a household, feed a family of 7 kids and 2 parents, with usually 2 maids and a driver,  and help the kids with school work. It sounds extravagant to have househelp but this was the norm during this time. Nowadays, it is extremely difficult to have this kind of help for one's home. It has much to do with the expense and availability of workers. 

The home in Cebu was a simple 3-bedroom house with a bathroom, a toilet, living room, kitchen and dining room on the first floor. I always thought it was more than sufficient and was quite comfortable.  We had a black and white television which we enjoyed thoroughly. We had cabinets upstairs that lined the hallway. These cabinets contained my father's books on accounting and law and the Encyclopedia Britannica books. We had a long rectangular dining table where family meals were enjoyed. Meals like breakfast and dinner were almost always served at the table. The distraction of cellphones were non-existent. As difficult as it can be, I have tried very hard to carry on this tradition with my own family. Mom was always an excellent cook so our meals were quite delicious. This made the need to eat out at restaurants almost unnecessary. Our parents probably felt relieved that this was the case as the expense of eating out would be quite a strain on our budget. I don't remember any of us ever complaining about it. The holiday meals especially around Christmas were exceptional. The essentials of life did not seem to be a problem for my parents. Is is only now that I realized how difficult it must have been for them to raise all of us. 

My parents (Helen and Fil) made a lot of sacrifices in order to raise all of us. They had some close friends, especially those who were Cursillistas (a group of Catholic adults) who shared discussions about religion. I remember some of them coming to the house when it was either my mom's or dad's birthday and they would sing to them. During the holidays, they would visit our home and sing Christmas carols. There were a few occasions when mom and dad would go to a club not far from our home (After Six, I think was the name of the club.) and enjoy dancing and listening to music. My mother Helen was a fabulous and graceful dancer. I remember mom telling me that dad took dance lessons so he could keep up with her.

Mom mentioned to me that she did have 1 miscarriage. She still managed to add 1 more child to the brood. The youngest one (Norman) was born in 1968. My mom did not want any more children so she asked her gynecologist to tell my dad that it was dangerous for her to get pregnant again. My dad would have gladly added to the family if he had his druthers. But as always, he conceded to mom's wishes. Mom gave me some details of the birth control method they used. She said it was a German type of birth control which used a combination of pills and monitoring of her period.  Mom was only 47 when she had Norman. At this point, she was still very capable of having more children. Thank goodness they stopped at 8 kids. 

My mom Helen was by this time completely preoccupied with raising us, helping us with our education and  trying to make extra money any way she could. She used to make cakes to sell at the corner store. That turned out to be counterproductive since we used our lunch money to go to the store to buy goodies there and that included pieces of the cake my mom made. When my youngest brother Norman was ready for school, mom finally had the opportunity to go back to work. 

An unfortunate incident happened when my youngest brother Norman was about 4 years old. He had just been given a bath and was being dressed. While this was happening, he was snacking on some peanuts. Norman was a bit of a chatterbox as a child. One of the peanuts got stuck in his throat and he started choking. We were all very scared. My father was not one who could easily handle stress. My mother was still in her house clothes. She told my father to drive Norman immediately to the hospital which was only a few blocks away. Luckily,  a surgeon was already there. My mother got dressed and hurried to the hospital. I remember her being very calm despite the difficult situation. A tracheotomy was done quickly. Norman survived with just a scar on his throat. 

I don't remember my parents (Helen and Fil) complaining much about their kids but they were now at the point where adding to the brood would really make things unmanageable. We were all in private Catholic schools and mom provided the additional tutoring at home. For the most part, we were very independent in terms of our studies. That was mostly because there really was no other choice. Mom had to concentrate on the youngest kids. So the older kids were on their own. My oldest brother Boyet provided a good example for the rest of us. He was always studious so he never had to cram at the last minute for tests. As the younger siblings, we kind of tried to follow his example. Most of the time, we were not very successful at it. Playing with our neighbors was a major part of our daily lives. We all got pretty good grades but there was a lot of cramming from what I remember. 

 

Going Way Way Back Part 4

 It is now August 17, 2025. It has been years since I wrote about my mother's past. The failure to continue with the process is truly regrettable. My mother Helen is now 97 years old and has dementia/Alzheimer's. From time to time, she is lucid but more often than not her recollection is less than accurate. I will do my best to write about her past from what I can recall.

In the last article about my mom Helen,  I stopped at the point where she graduated from college and started life as a single young woman. I have seen photographs of mom (Helen) and dad (Fil) with friends at a picnic. I think they met through friends. My aunt (Tita Vicky, mom's younger sister, 6th sibling among a total of 8 kids) said that the courtship was pretty intense and serious. My dad (Fil), who lived in a different island (Iligan) albeit still in the southern part of the Philippines, traveled often to visit my mom.  My grandmother (Lola Ekiang) told me stories about how my dad Fil would bring her several pieces of fabric and several colors of thread because she (my grandmother) was very much into embroidery. I have some pieces of my grandmother's work and they are incredible. I am afraid to use them for fear of ruining the work. Don't forget that the embroidery was all done by hand and not by machine. Aside from bringing gifts for my grandmother, my dad also brought a whole bunch of gifts for my mom Helen. My paternal grandmother (dad's mother, Lola Eliang, real name Otilia) had told me that despite bad weather like typhoons my dad (Fil) would insist on taking the boat ride that would bring him to my mom's hometown so he could see her. He was seriously smitten by my beautiful mom. My mom Helen told me years later after dad died that she had a whole bunch of suitors who were better looking than my dad. Mom was one who took my grandmother's advice seriously. My grandmother really like my dad's sincerity. She felt he would be a very good provider  and, more importantly, a faithful husband. I am pretty sure she encouraged mom to date and, eventually, marry my dad. They were married on December 23, 1952.   

Because mom can no longer recall the early days of her marriage, I will have to go with what I can remember of the early days of our childhood. From pictures, it looks like mom and dad honeymooned in Baguio, a city in the northern part of Luzon (Northern part of the Philippines). They were of the belief that having children was part and parcel of married life. The first few years of their life were spent in Cebu (the middle section of the archipelago of the Philippines). Here they had 3 children: my older brother nicknamed Boyet, myself (nicknamed Girlie) and my younger brother who was nicknamed Papot. We had relatively normal real names but these weird nicknames are kind of fun to mention. During this period, I am pretty sure mom and dad rented a home. Old photographs show a very happy couple with young children. My uncles and aunts spent a lot of time visiting us. Don't forget my mother Helen was the first one of her siblings to get married. My dad Fil was the oldest child on his side and also the first to get married. My dad had a younger brother (Dadong) and a younger sister (Charing). Having nieces and nephews must have been a fun new concept for my aunts and uncles. We truly felt special and loved by the family. What worries would young kids possibly have, right?

My father (Fil) worked for the BIR (Bureau of Internal Revenue) which is the equivalent of the IRS here in the USA. This kind of job meant he had to travel to other islands and stay there for quite some time. That meant that my parents had to uproot the family and settle in a new place quite often. My dad's next assignment was in Surigao which is in Mindanao in the southern part of the Philippines. My brother Andy was born here. There were now 4 kids.  After a couple of years, a new assignment was given to my father. We once again pulled up stakes and settled in Manila, the capital of the Philippines. My 2 younger sisters were born here, nicknamed Bembem and Beditte. We were now a pretty large family consisting of my parents and 6 children. 

As young kids, we vacationed fairly regularly in Buenavista, Agusan del Norte (southern part of the Philippines). My grandparents (Lola Eliang and Lolo Isaac) always made us feel welcome. My grandfather gave us lessons in math and English. My grandmother told us stories, cooked wonderful delicacies and spent time with us.  I always marveled at the many trees they had - mango, tambis (watery rose apple), makopa (Java apple) and others. We enjoyed the big veranda they had on the 2nd floor. My grandparents'  home did not have a modern bathroom. Instead, they had an outhouse, with strips of newspaper nailed to the wall (to be used in lieu of toilet paper).  This situation with the bathroom was never an issue with us. Perhaps having fun in Buenavista was enough to overlook that. In fact, using that outhouse was kind of exciting since we had to be careful not to fall into that hole. My grandparents' home was simple but efficient. It was spacious with 4 bedrooms if my memory serves me right. It was made of wood with wood floors which were made shiny by rubbing a coconut husk vigorously on it. These memories are truly a priceless treasure.

Our stay in Manila was not permanent. After a couple of years, dad was assigned to Zamboanga in the very southern part of Mindanao.  During this period of their lives, my parents made the wise decision to have my mom devote her time to bringing us up while my dad worked. Dad and mom continued renting a home because of the need to move every so often. The house had a nipa roof (thatched roof made of leaves of a palm tree). Every time it rained with heavy winds, the thatched roof would lift up and rain would come inside. This was, obviously, a huge problem. So, the roof was changed to galvanized iron. The rain no longer came into the house but even the slightest amount of rain falling on the galvanized iron roof made such a loud echoing sound that we could barely hear each other. When I think of this, it makes me laugh. Writing about our life in Zamboanga might make others think that life was hard. In fact, it never felt that way. We were quite the happy and content family. The happiness of the family was highlighted by the birth of my brother (7th child) Ike. He was born on June 3 which was also my grandfather's birthday (Grandpa Isaac) so the 7th child was named after my grandfather and father (Fil Isaac).  Part 5 will have more of our life in Zamboanga so please stay tuned.

HOW IT STARTED

      Lea's diagnosis of autism was made when she was 5 years old. Compared to when most of the other parents knew that there was an issue with their child, this was on the late side. Lea was born in 1992 and seemed to hit the milestones on schedule. She loved letters and was able to identify them at a really young age. She loved to memorize lines from TV shows or from books and could repeat them to you impeccably. But her ability to communicate was very delayed. She didn't really put together complete sentences until she was 5.  At this age, the sentences were very simple ones. She was also extremely shy around children her age. Lea's preference was to be at home or in her room playing with her toys. At this point, we knew Lea needed the services of a speech therapist. She received speech therapy at school and also got it privately. It was obvious that the work did not end with these professionals. We would have to do our part at home.  

   The fact that Lea was echolalic, though worrisome to us, was actually an advantage. This was something confirmed by a psychologist who we consulted. At least, we knew she was verbal. She loved books so we provided her with the books she was interested in. Audio books were not readily available at this time so I used a tape recorder and taped myself reading the books to her. Most of the time, I just spent the time and read to her. One of the most effective things we did at home was put a password on the door to her bedroom. Each day had a different password. To get in the bedroom, she had to read the word and use it in a sentence. It didn't have to be a complicated sentence. A simple sentence would suffice. This was made into a game and that's what made it enjoyable for her. 

   To help with language, it was crucial not to stress Lea out. Lea, even to this day, does not do well in stressful situations. Then again, who does? When she wanted something like a cookie or a drink, I encouraged her to ask for it in a sentence. If she said "cookie", I would prompt her by saying "Can I please have a cookie?". Lea would then repeat the whole sentence, albeit slowly. Prompting was an important tool and I hoped the sentences would come naturally to her eventually. In time, they did. Time is operative word. The other important thing to remember is repetition. The practice of prompting had to be repeated over and over until the skill was acquired. 

   When we realized that social skills were another issue to deal with, we figured out that we might as well take advantage of Lea's ability to memorize lines easily. We used index cards and wrote sentences that applied to this situation. In this particular case, it was how she was to make friends. The index cards had sentences like "Hi, I'm Lea. What's your name?", "What's your favorite color?", "Do you want a cookie?", "Do you want to play hide and seek?".  I was told that autistic children do not learn incidentally. That is, they don't learn by observing other children. So what they need to learn has to taught. This is what I had in mind when we asked Lea to read the index cards over and over and memorize the lines so she could use them in the future. We did role-playing where these sentences were used. Once again, here we made it a game so it didn't feel like some kind of a "class". 

   Language and words go hand in hand. Fortunately, even at a young age, Lea loved books. We did our absolute best to provide her with all the books she wanted to read. Buying them was not the only way to do this. The library was another resource. Barnes and Noble and other bookstores were another. We used to go to Barnes for a couple of hours and just read and not even buy any books. There was no way we could buy books every time we went to these book stores. After all, we used to go a lot. Being a lover of books and magazines has been a life saver for Lea. Later on in life, she also learned to love writing. 

   The methods described here are not from a psychiatrist or psychologist or autism expert. They are from a mother who has an autistic daughter who is now 28 years old and has just graduated from college. It's from someone who loved their daughter dearly and wanted to do the very best for her. I hope what I described here helps another parent. We are, after all, in this journey together. Our children's success is our success too.

The Benefits of Speech Therapy

    One of the symptoms of Lea's autism was a delay in language. She was alway echolalic, which, in her case, means that she easily memorized lines on shows she watched on TV and repeated them to you. Echolalia is manifested differently in each child.  When Lea was repeating lines to you, her pronunciation was impecable but she was not able to hold a conversation and answer your questions logically. Of course, simple questions like "Are you hungry?"  or "Do you want a cookie?" could be replied to. I was grateful she was verbal but this lack of real language was an issue that needed some resolution. We were lucky enough to get speech therapy at school but this proved to be insufficient to get the kind of progress I thought Lea was capable of.

   So we turned to private sessions with a speech therapist (Lorraine Wankoff) who also taught at one of the universities here. She was absolutely the answer to our prayers. Lea had one on one sessions with her. I knew that there was no way we could keep up the sessions at the rate I wanted (about 4X a week) for a prolonged period of time because they were expensive. Normally, her sessions were done with just her and the child. The parents waited outside the room in the lobby. I pleaded with Lorraine to let me sit in a corner of the room where she held the session so I could take notes. I promised not to say one word (not exactly easy for me). She reluctantly agreed but told me this was not the norm. I took copious notes as the sessions went on. I wrote down exactly what the activity was, how Lea replied, what Lea said, if she looked at the therapist,  how long her eye contact was, etc. 

  With this data, you could see clearly if progress was made or not. Since there were notes on the activities, I could do that same activity at home. In my eyes, that would double the progress. Believe it or not, that actually worked. The idea is the speech therapist has a professional way of doing things and all I had to do was copy what she did. Lorraine put a lot of importance on creative playing even though board games were part and parcel of the session. Any kind of activity where language is involved was useful in promoting Lea's abiility to communicate well. She would have toys like dolls, chairs, tables, cars, animals on the desk. Then she would ask Lea where the doll was headed to or what they were going to eat. Lea would hesitate and think and answer. If Lea would echo an answer from a TV show that was ok with the therapist but she always redirected it so a more spontaneous reply could be provided. All these sessions were extremely interesting and of great help to us. 

   Slowly, we weaned Lea off these sessions when we were convinced that we could do it on our own and the sessions at school would suffice. This took time but we did get to the point where she was off it completely. The speech therapy sessions at school were replaced with counseling sessions. Lea had the great luck of having workers from an agency that supports the autistic community (QSAC). Without a doubt, this agency was crucial to Lea's progress. I am so grateful to them and to their staff. It really does "take a village" (to borrow a line from Hillary's book).  Even if a child is not verbal, the ability to communicate has to be honed so that our kids do not feel the frustration of not being understood. Better communication promotes better social skills and makes it easier for someone with this diagnosis to get taught new ideas and new skills.  Communication is not limited to actual speech. It could be sign language, using pictures or using a computer. Like Lorraine said "If you fix the language/communication issue, everything else will fall into place."

End of a Journey and the Start of Another

 My life has been intertwined with my daughter's life. Such is the case with any parent, but more so with a parent whose child has special abilities. Lea was diagnosed with autism at 5 years old. That was in 1997 which is a lifetime ago but, for me, still feels like yesterday. Being an only child has given her the advantage of parents who could concentrate their efforts on what she needed and what she required to have the best possible life. Fortunately and, despite what the original doctors said, Lea has thrived and done really well.  She is high-functioning and, by the grace of God, and with the help of numerous individuals, she has accomplished what the original diagnostics said she would  never be able to do.

Lea's education was always the most important project we undertook. She spent a couple of years in a segregated special ed school with the most loving and nurturing educators. One of them secretly told me to find a different school for her because she could see that Lea did not belong in this setting. The search led to private schools in Manhattan, Queens, and other locations. I am pretty confident that we could have placed her in one of these very expensive schools with the public school system shouldering the expense (a lawyer would have been needed and we, her parents, were more than willing to fight the good fight). Meeting the inclusion coordinator at that time (Mayra) was the biggest blessing we could have ever received. With her guidance, I was convinced that an inclusion setting in a neighborhood public school would give Lea the best possible educational set-up. Inclusion, at this time, meant 2 kids with special needs in a regular classroom with a visiting special ed teacher helping the general ed teacher and a para-professional specifically for the 2 children. Lea had great role models in her classmates and very encouraging teachers who, with the training given, were able to provide her the chance to succeed despite the challenges she faced. Lea, who had issues with social skills, made lifelong friends here and, to this day, still keeps in touch with 2 great ladies. Before the end of 6th grade, Lea was able to transition to a regular classroom and was no longer under the supervision of the special ed department. She did get services still like speech therapy and counseling, both essential in moving her in the right direction. This was the setting throughout middle school. 

She auditioned for a performance high school and miraculously got in. She majored in drama and was faced with tremendous difficulties. There were more challenges here than what she had ever faced before. Frank Sinatra School of Performing Arts (whose benefactor is Tony Bennett...yes the great singer Tony Bennett) is a school with students who start out running...all dying to perform and almost all extremely creative. Lea is shy but very into drama. She can memorize lines like no one else can. She needed a lot of guidance in learning the craft but was more than willing to put in the effort. This school had the most wonderful teachers and counselors who gave her the opportunity to gain confidence and courage. I wasn't sure that this was the school for her. So much so that when I first saw her on stage doing a monologue, I burst into tears. I have to say that high school was rocket fuel for this child. She graduated from high school with the drama award which is given only to 1 graduating student in every department. 

The next step was community college (Queensborough Community College) which took longer than the normal 2 years. It took Lea 4 years to finish but finish she did. Lea is prone to anxiety so taking a full load was out of the question. This didn't matter to us since all we wanted was for her to enjoy the college experience and get her associate degree. Once that was done, she wanted to get her bachelor's. This was an easy decision for all of us. All it needed was her desire. We were so on board. 

Getting her bachelor's was hard work for Lea. Since community college, she was pretty much on her own in terms of asking for tutoring help from her teachers and peers. Here at Queens College, she did the same and dealt with the many challenges any student faces. So after 5 years at Queens College, Lea graduated in the summer of 2020 and got her Bachelor's degree, major in drama, minor in journalism. The icing on the cake was her Magna cum Laude honor. 

I'm writing all this not to brag about her accomplishments (well, actually, I can't help bragging) but, honestly, it's to let parents of young children who may have been diagnosed with a similar issue know that our kids are gifted with so many special abilities that need to be discovered, nurtured and brought to the forefront.  With our help and the help of other willing individuals (especially teachers, counselors and therapists), they can reach unbelievable heights and become unbelievable human beings. 2021 will be another period of transition and changes for Lea, for us and for everyone else. We hope the pandemic ends soon so we can all get back to "normal".  I am of the belief that the future is bright and, together, we can lift each other's spirits. Here's to a BEAUTIFUL 2021. 

Coming To Terms With Retirement

   The title of this article sure makes retirement sound ominous. I, honestly, thought it would be. For me, the "end of an era" was December 31, 2016. Running a small furniture company and ending my career meant that the last couple of months would be extremely busy. It was and the situation was exacerbated by the feeling that I did not have the opportunity to truly train my replacement. This was a source of tremendous worry for me. It had to take numerous conversations with my 89 year old mother to convince me that this was no longer my responsibility and I had to "let it go" (Nanay must have seen Frozen.) As a footnote, I worked for this company for about 8 years then left for about 5 and came back for 33 more years. Working for the owner of this company was a great joy. When he turned over the company to the daughters, the situation was not the same and that will be a story for another time.
   So December 31 came and went. January 1 and January 2 were non-working days so we did what we had always done on easy lazy days. It was January 3 that would be the one to cement the idea that I had retired. Waking up and not having to frantically go about my day in order to start work early was no longer under consideration. This idea made me both thrilled and filled with nervous energy. It was a "now what" moment. It was hard to wrap my head around the idea that I could do whatever I wanted at any pace I wanted. I cooked our meals (love doing it but I'm not very good at it--- average at best, I haven't killed anyone with my dishes although my brothers think that someday I probably will.). I made curtains. Reading a book was so comforting. Finally, I could pick up a book and actually enjoy it without rushing to finish it. Doing things with my daughter and husband could now be done without considering whether it was going to conflict with something I had to do for work. And yet, it took a little time (perhaps a week or so) to get my rhythm going. At first, the whole day seemed to overwhelm me. If I cooked meals, then the house could not be cleaned. It was disconcerting to see the house in disarray. What the hell I said to myself! I used to do all that and go to work. That feeling has not dissipated.
   I've learned to pace myself and do things in a more relaxed manner (not easy for someone who lives in New York and is high-strung). So this is what they mean when they say take time to smell the roses. Today is Jan.31 so it's 31 days since that first retirement day. Today, I was asked to speak at a parent support group meeting. The topic was "How the arts help a child with autism". I've done this a number of times but work always seems to get in the way of being able to do it more often. It's my way of paying forward since there have been so many people that have helped me in my journey to make sure Lea (my daughter)  gets the best possible opportunities in life. Lea is now 24 so I'm an "old parent" who has had to fight the good fight for quite some time. Helping others with their journey is no big deal. Another thing that I have time to do. Retirement is great!!!!

A SPECIAL REUNION

   Los Angeles, California was the site of our latest reunion. This was a reunion of high school classmates. Our high school days were spent at St. Theresa's College in Cebu City, Philippines. We graduated in 1973. Oh, my....that sounds like decades ago. St. Theresa's is an all girls Catholic high school that has meant a lot to all of us. Many of us immigrated to the United States and look forward to every opportunity to see any of our friends and classmates. The California group started this yearly reunion. The deal has always been whoever could attend was welcome to do so. Every year the location is different and so are the activities. I think we've had 12 so far. Counting this one, I've been to 4. Every single one I've attended has been memorable.
   This is one of those events that brings you back to your home country and to days of old when we were just entering the adult world. Los Angeles has a lot to offer in terms of being the venue. There are numerous restaurants and an abundance of tourist attractions. Getting on one of those tour buses was a delight because you had a guide who could give you details about the sites and the homes of famous movie stars and celebrities. So there was no way restaurants and a tour was not going to be part of the itinerary. Because one of the hosts had a big enough home to host almost all of the attendees, a reunion program was actually possible. Despite not being a dancer, I found myself line dancing with our classmates who all happen to be really good dancers. There were unending stories and laughter. Catching up with each others' lives was part and parcel of the reunion. My classmates even managed to invite a friend who was also a neighbor of ours. He spent so many days in our home so was really close to us. Hugging him made me feel like I was back in Walingwaling (the street where we lived). The hundreds of pictures taken are obvious evidence of the fun everyone had.Even the simplest of activities like sharing a meal was totally thrilling. Needless to say, it was the company of these wonderful classmates that made the experience one to always remember.
   How fortunate we are to be able to do this! How fantastic that classmates from the class of 1973 find so much joy in seeing each other! I would be crazy to miss the NEXT ONE!